Tag Archives: colonoscopy

Waiting For SuperMom…

I’ve been waiting for the time to be right, hoping that I would know with unequivocal clarity.  Hoping that I would make it,  to be the best mom ever for my babes.  To be the Supermom that they deserve.   At the end of each day I sit, hoping that the next one will be better.  I  mistakes constantly. I pray that my children are strong enough not to be scarred by me, since I know that there is no way around them being hurt.  I’m just not perfect.
I fold laundry at 2am, I do dished a 4am ever so quietly, hoping not to wake the locals.   Then I sleep till 10am because I pushed too hard  and my body isn’t what it used to be.  So I feed them whatever I can get my hands on, and don’t make dinner until the last minute so the kitchen is a mess. Because I have to make everything from scratch. We have  various food allergies and housing upheaval. I have fibromyalgia, a herniated disk, a para-esophageal hernia that is going to require major surgery in a few weeks… A whole pot of crazy going on.

I spend my days trying to school them.  I love these days, but they don’t feel like enough for them, around my health and other needs. Each and every day I wonder if school would be better.   Not that I feel like a failure, but the thought is just always there. I am very aware that there are ways that school would NOT be successful, but then I worry about my inability to hold to structure and how it is affecting them.
My children are brilliant, and inspiring! Says-every-mom-ever. And I mean it!  They amaze me even more than they concern me. We are in a season of complete upheaval with construction on our home, changing our family budget, and getting health stuff taken care of.
One big change for our family happened about a month ago when we did send one of the babes back to school.  Over December we thought and prayed a lot about it.  It basically came down to this. Lucas needs clear structure and routine.  I am not very successful at either.  Lucas needs a full evaluation for insurance to pay for his therapy needs for Asperger Syndrome.  Insurance does not cover the evaluation which is anywhere between $2500 and $5000.  In public school he can be evaluated for free and provided the structure and support he needs.  Sounds like the perfect answer!!
It was still hard. So, so hard.  Lucas is the one I always keep with me. Mostly because he’s so much for other people to handle.  So dropping him off for others to care was overwhelming.  The school staff spent several hours over  2 weeks with us, in preparation for bringing Lucas in. They were wonderful.  We went over his need for support in the bathroom, and talked about his Sensory Processing Disorder. Because of his SPD, he is likely to be in pullups until he is 10-12.  The created a special plan and routine for him, based on what we suggested, with supervised bathroom visits and help with accidents. Their attention to detail for his needs was such a relief.  In his 504 plan for special needs, they also allowed him to have his chew necklace, wiggle seat and fidget toys.
Lucas has been there for a month now, and he is thriving. For the first time!  I can say he is thriving!! We still pick him up every Tuesday and take him to his OT appointments and he is in the middle of the evaluation process. In spite of my fears, it was absolutely what he needed.
Things come up with each of our children where we have to re-evaluate what we do.   We have to look at their needs. We put them above ours, and even above our ideals. We shift those ideals, as each process with our children changes the shape of our parenting; changes the priorities we thought we knew were “utmost” ten years ago.

I absolutely, despise the question “How do you do it all?”  Actually, even more than I despise the movie. The question is lame. No one really wants an answer. What they really mean is that you just have too much, way more than they would ever want. And it implies that they really have a clear preference for their own life.  Well, touche.  I prefer mine.
The truth is that NONE of  us do it all.  We choose in the moment, we grow with their needs. We stretch the muscle of our heart, the tissues of our brains… and they both ache and quake through the process.  We don’t do it all. Ever.  No one does.  Wed on’t have to.  We just have to do today.

I caught myself waiting again.  Waiting for something that will never happen. Something that doesn’t exist.  There is no Supermom.  I will never be her, and neither will you.  We have no cape and no need for one.  Who we are is who we are meant to be, and it is what our children need.   I mean, Edna said it and I agree.

Join me in putting the cape envy away.  Let’s put down our list of expectation. Of what we would look like if we were Supermoms.

The next few months look like climbing Mount Everest to me, and I don’t know how to do it. I just know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this sweet family of mine will make it to the other side… regardless of my lack of cape.

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The Day of The Colonoscopy

Just got home and I’m totally spent.  It was a long day.  I wanted to let my mommas know that they were able to rule out any cysts or tumors. Not a polyp either.  His colon is inflamed and they took 2 biopsies that we will not get the results of until Friday.  So, at least the big scary stuff is off the list of options.   
Selah and Lucas spent the night at my in-laws house, a rare treat for them and us.  It’s amazing how well Jacob did with not being able to eat for 24 hours. He would ask for food but never fussed when we told him that he had to wait for the doctor to give him permission at the hospital. During mealtimes I sat and played with him so he got some special momma time.
He started out excited when we got to the hospital, but became uneasy when we were put in the room. We almost had a full on revolt when he recognized the gown from prior visits. He didn’t want that thing near him.  The’ goofy gas’ they gave him loosened him up pretty quickly.  We got a bit of a glimpse of what Jacob the Stoner would be like…
The took him from the room and we waited, and waited… I tried to knit. I turned on the TV. Finally I forced Travis to get off of his laptop and walk down to the cafe with me for a cup of coffee and a muffin. We hadn’t eaten, of course, since Jacob couldn’t.  I walked through the gift shop to laugh at a bunch of horrendous junk.  Who buys this stuff?
We were only back in the room for about 10 minutes before the brought him back.  Coming out of it was pretty traumatic for all of us.  He was kicking and screaming as if he didn’t even know we were there.  All I could think of is ‘This is what Jacob would be like if he was autistic”.  I’ve never heard him scream like that or have a fit like that.  I held him kicking and screaming for 20 minutes while he was still coming out. He doesn’t even remember it, but my arms are literally still sore from it for hours afterward. Finally the only thing that would calm him was to have the lights off while watching TV.  But the only thing that made it work was me talking in a constant, low voice while he watched ‘The Fox and The Hound”.  The second he didn’t hear my voice, he would start screaming and writhing again.  Eventually it all wore off and he was jut a little dizzy and off balance for the rest of the afternoon.
We let him choose to go to a restaurant after the hospital to get something to eat. Chickfila, of course. That’s a big treat around here.  It was so strange to be there, just Mom, Popi and Jake. He was loving it.
We drove up to get Selah and Lucas, about 45 minutes away, and spent the rest of the afternoon there.
By the time I got them all dressed and in bed I was so worn out.  I felt like I could use some goffy gas myself. For kicks here’s a video of him on the ‘goofy gas’ before he went in.

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The Next Step in Futility

For anyone who got a laugh and a tear out of my last post on Jacob, we’re onto the next step.  After all of that, the barium enema and xrays showed nothing wrong.  It’s confusing how they can see that as a good thing.  Maybe because they aren’t the ones sitting several times a day holding him while he cried out in pain, or wiping him when his rear end is bleeding.  I don’t really see anything good about all of this happening to a three year old, myself.  Jake has had blood in his stools since October. It has gone from once every 10 days to now consistently twice a day (Every time he poops). He’s in a lot of pain because of it, and has already been tested for allergies, Celiac Disease, Iritable Bowel Syndrome, Crohn’s Disease, internal hemorrhoids, hernias…  Often, when he’s hurting the most he asks, ever so sweetly through the tears, for us to take him to the hospital so they can make it better.   It’s agonizing.

We took the next step yesterday and had an appointment with a pediatric gastrointestinal specialist.  Jacob and I left at 6:45am to be there by 7:30, but I have to say it was worth it to be able to go without the other two munchkins to spar with. The kids are up by 6am every morning anyway.  Huh, and people think homeschoolers get to sleep in all of the time…

 Being one of the first appointments of the morning made the wait pretty quick.  And Dr H was all happy and chipper.  He was clearly good with children.  He had the most atrocious zoo tie on.  Jacob adored it and now wants me to make him a tie to go with his play doctor dress-up set. Dr H. asked all of his questions and seemed pretty unconcerned.  He examined Jake and ordered a colonoscopy.  Ugh…the things you hear adults saying about colonoscopies, and they’ll be doing it to this little bitty guy. 

 He kept mentioning that it was most likely just a polyp (sp?), but then said that wouldn’t cause the constant pain (and screaming, trauma, anguish…).  I highly doubt that is it.  But I have no idea what it could be. For some reason the suggestion of it kept annoying me.  Was he listening?  Did he understand how much pain my son is in at night?  Maybe I’ll send him a video of it…take pictures of the blood for proof that it’s more than ‘just a little streak here and there’….. Too much?  Yeah, I guess that’s a little dramatic of me.  It was just a bit disheartening when he wrote out the order for the colonoscopy and said to come back in three months.  Three months?  and in the meantime, what do you suggest?  You’re kidding, right?
Anyway, here’s to hoping that he’s right.  That it’s a little thing, like a polyp,  that can be fixed easily while the poor guy is under anesthesia already with scopes up his A…  Just whatever it takes for it to be done, and not three months from now.

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