Today- A Pathetic Tale of Miserable Hilarity, And The Quest For a Shower


Warning! This is not my typical day.  Picture me holding an egg. This is my normal well rounded day. Picture me cracking the egg over a disgusting pan of already burned grease that immediately makes it bubble and turn brown in it’s gross-looking-friedness.  That is today cracked of crazy amounts of lunacy.  Any questions??

Well then, here we go…

12:00am   Yes, the day starts here for a mom, not when the alarm goes off.  So…Eden finally goes back to sleep and Travis calls it a night. I decide that I have to make these muffins because I promised them to the kids for breakfast. I have laundry to fold anyway.

1:10am   Muffins are done, laundry folded. Sit down for five minutes to Defragment my internal momory card before going into sleep mode for the night.  AKA 5 minute Facebooking.

4:00am  Wake up.  Eden cries for 10 seconds and goes back to sleep. This is one of her usual times to wake up and nurse but since she was up and fussing from 10:30 to past midnight, I guess she could skip it. I go back to sleep.

5:55am Hear shuffling and banging coming from the kids’ room. Go check it out to find Selah has the nights on and is getting dressed for school. Convince her to grab her clothes and dress in the living room, turning the lights off and hoping the pthers stay asleep. Not holding my breath.

6:04am THe rest wake up. Change diaper on one, take pullup off another and put him on the potty, talk the other down from his low-blood-sugar panic and hand him a banana.  Start breakfast. Selah is dressed, looking for socks.

6:30 Making lunches for school, Selah is distaught over finding THE cool socks to go with her school uniform. The stripey ones. I tell her to wear tights. She wants her socks.

6:45 socks are found. Thank goodness!

6:57 Some sort of grizzly beast comes out of the bedroom with shoes on and his pajamas, offering valiantly to take Selah out to meet the bus. It’s a good thing, too because I’m still standing here in a t-shirt and underwear and the bus comes at 6:58. Mayb I can get a quick shower…

7:05 Get 3 younger kids dressed, dishes started, lunch finished for #2.

8:20 Suddenly realize that husband is still home, which means he’s expecting me to drop him off at the MARTA station. Right.  Put 2lbs of black beans on to boil before we leave. Start the ‘JAckets and Shoes’ process that we go through every morning to get these boys out the door.

8:37 turn off beans and leave them to rest, jump in the car and head to the preschool. Drop poor husband on the side of the road in the cold. He’s tough. He’ll survive. I don’t want to be late to the school.

9:15 Leave the school with the younger 2 and head to Carol’s house to pick up a few things.  I love seeing her face and letting the kids play for a minute. THis is going to be a great day, methinks.

10:00am Back home and lock Lucas in the bathroom with the baby gate. Our daily routine now, and it is again successful. Poop goes on the potty. I’m thrilled, it’s been one week today since his last accident.  Maybe we’re close to done with this! Could it be?

10:30am Do the dishes, start the beans boiling, and try to ‘Charlotte-proof” the house.  Dang that gurl is cute but she can get into anything and everything. Lucas is looking forward to playing with Avery but keeps calling him Simon. Whatever. He’s got the right family anyway.  Chadd has been showing up after 11om with the kids on Wednesday.  I think I can finally sneak in my shower now.

10:32am Tonya calls. Can she bring over the kids now?  Glad she called. Shower will wait and small children won’t complain that I’m stinky and my hair is “tore up”.

10:40am  Poor Tonya falls over the ‘Charlotte-proofing’ gate at the entry and Charlotte starts to cry. And Avery starts to cry… Uh oh.

11:00am Finish the dishes, finally. Start a big batch of Granola Bars, turn on a movie for the kiddos.

11:10 Restart the movie because CHarlotte turned it off and  the boys are protesting.

11:20 Restart the movie because Charlotte turned it off and  the boys are protesting.

11:30 Restart the movie because Charlotte turned it off and  the boys are protesting. Try to put Eden down for a nap, but Lucas is running up and down the hall. Avery follows.

11:40 Decide to stay in sight of the DVD player to keep it going for the boys.

12:15pm Get lunch ready carefully for all 4 kids. None of them will eat. At all.

1:30pm Still no one wants to eat. It’s really great food guys. Guys?  Try to put Eden down for a nap again. No-go. Start a load of laundry in the washer and sit down to watch the rest of the movie with the kids.  At least all of them are h appy and Eden is fine as long as I’m holding her or she’s nursing.  This girl NEEDS some sleep! Wait. Am I talking about her or me?

2:20pm Tonya and Chadd come for their munchkins. I’m so tired.  Must put black beans in freezer bags and out of my way.  And I totally have time to take a shower before I go get the kids. Right?

2:30 Walk into the bathroom to shift the laundry to the dryer and hopefully take this shower that has evaded me all day. Lucas is right behind me begging to go outside. Hold on, why is the rug soaking my feet? IS that water on the WALL? And every inch of the floor? And all over the top of the washer and dryer?

2:35pm Send Lucas out for a few minutes while I soak up the deluge. Apparently the wash mashing when psycho when I put that load in and I’ve not come in and had the door shut to keep Charlotte and Eden from toilet diving. I had no idea..

2:40 Call Lucas in but he’s hiding and doesn’t want to come. Very uncharacteristic of him.. I head to the fort and suspicion is confirmed. My accident free streak has come to an end. Oh crap. Yeah.

2:45 Lucas is standing in the shower where I’ve just hosed all of his poop off and I grab the nifty diaper sprayer from the side of the toilet.  It’s like the sprayer on your kitchen sink, but attached to your toilet so you can easily spray the poop off of cloth diapers. About twice the water pressure of the sink version. Very convenient and effective. But today, after several years of successful use with the sprayer, I make the mistake that so many have done. U press the button with it upside down and shoot my self straight in the right eye, knocking my glasses right off of my face and across the room. Ummmm….ow!

2:50pm Re-dress the Poopsmith, trying not to be angry with him, which is quite a feat of self control.  Take a towel and dry my ahir and face, walking gingerly around the bathroom to find my glasses because I’m completely blind without them… and I HAD to chose such a cool clear frame design. Thankfully, because my purple hair has ruined them and turned the ends purple, I’m able to find them.  I guess I can’t be mad at my hair anymore, now can I?

2:55pm Reach over to finally flush the toilet and it starts to overflow. You have GOT to be kidding me!  I fall the the floor and reach behind the tank to turn the water off in the nick of time, saving myself from mopping up the entire floor again.  At this point, getting a shower before heading out for the afternoon routine of picking the older 2 up from their respective schools is completely out of the question.  I’m stinky.

3:10 Wrestle #3 and #4 into the car, with Lucasaurus raging that his ‘Momma’s Skirt’ can’t go with us for the drive. It’s in the tub with a mess of towels because he had left it on the bathroom floor. Explaining that for a 3 year old to understand can truly take all of your mental capacity at times. Or, well, the little that I have left at this point.

3:15pm Pull up to Selah’s Bus stop JUST in time to see the bus wiz by. Luckily she saw me pull into the parking lot and stops.  As usual, get funny looks from people driving down Bankhead as my daughter runs toward me and trips on the sidewalk. She’s not the most greaceful of 7 year olds. But she’s cute. She fusses a little and gets in the van. The rest of the rush to Jacob’s school is uneventful. We make it on time and I don’t have the threat of $1 a minute hanging over my head today.  I think the day is getting better now.

3:50: Pull into driveway.  Seeing the mailbox reminds me that I forgot to put a check in the mail AGAIN. Get kids inside. It’s gorgeous out.  So glad Janet is coming by, but I think she may think I’m a loon after she sees my house.  She said she’d be here at 4:30. I can get a shower now.

3:53 Change Eden’s diaper, place her in crib and take her bottle away to fix the sucked in nipple for her.  Drop bottle all over the floor. Stop. Breathe. It’s fine.  Ask Jacob to bring a rag for the floor and he returns with my nice bathroom handtowel that was next to the sink. What the heck. I’m pretty sure that every towel I own is in the bottom of the shower right now waiting to be cleaned up. Which can’t happen until Travis gets home and figures out what the deal is with the washer. I use the towel.

3:56: Walk to the kitchen and ask where Ludini is, notice that the front door is wide open.  Uh Oh.  Run out the door and down the steps to find the wayward 3yo in the van with all the doors open.  Looking for gum.

4:10 Go in the bathroom and notice that someone didn’t flush.  Flush, nothing happens. Oh yeah. Turned the water off and still need to plunge. Oh Dear Lord, help me…

4:12 Look in the fridge for Margarita Mix. I wasn’t kidding when I called Janet and informed her that she is now coming over for Margaritas instead of coffee…. except that now I see the Margarita Mix is all gone.

4:13 Remember the Granola Bars are still in the oven.  Pull them out slightly burnt and already too cold to cut easily.  This is not going to be so easy after all. Knock on the door.

4:15 Send all of the kids out in the yard to play with Esther.  Laugh with Janet about the insanity of this day, as I sit and strategically peel tiny pieces of stuck on wax paper off of a million granola bars, one by one. I guess lining the pan with it was not the most genius idea.  Secretly hope that Jamet can’t smell me from the other side of the table.  Great visit.  Still. Need. Shower.

5:40 Start Dinner.

5:45: Selah runs into the kitchen “Mom!! That show is on!! WIth Dr Phil! The one I’m going to sing on when I’m 10!”  First time the TV has been on in the afternoon like this. I forgot the show existed. Who was it that told me they thought SAHM’s sit around watching soap operas all day?

6:09 Travis calls. Not going to be home till almost 7. He’s usually almost home by now. Don’t panic. Just because you have a baby wailing and pulling on your legs, a 1st grader needing help with homework and two small boys fighting over the Wii, doesn’t mean you have to lose it.

6:15 Give up on making dinner with the klingon attached to my calf. Run outside to grab my Sugar Tai out of the car and tie her on my back to finish dinner.  Get back inside to find a perfectly happy baby playing in the klingon’s place. Oh whatever.  Back to the black beans and rice for dinner.

6:52 Husband arrives, all children jump for joy.  Kids are fed. Homework and piano practice are done already. I hand him the ‘hold-me’ baby and crawl into bed for a short nap. Just. Need. A. Minute.

7:38 Husband wakes me up and I immediately panic. THAT was not 10 minutes.  I still NEED MY SHOWER!!!! And I’m about to go visit a client? No way. I head to the bathroom to find that Lucas is still in there waiting to take his pants off. I just go in and start taking them off for him. Oh glory be. He pooped in them. Again.

7:43 Change Eden and get her in PJS as Travis puts the Poopsmith in the bath.  I splash my face with water, put on a clean shirt and head out the door to Canton for a Post Birth Visit.

8:25 I’m heading up 75 and pass Barrett Pkwy. Wait a minute I should be on 575!!!

8:40 Visit Momma. Love that baby and her sweet, proud big sister!!

10:25 Heading home and don’t want to fall asleep. Ther perfect answer is to call Sunny in California. SHe answers and says “Hey, it’s late!” HA! I love her!

10:35 Suddenly realize that the reason I’m so shaky is that I didn’t exactly eat lunch or dinner. Jsut snacked on the burn Granola Bars.  Pull off next exit to find food because I’m feeling pretty desperate to not pass out driving.  Follow the signs to the right towards food.  Can’t believe that Wendys and McDs are my real options. Bleck!

10:40 TWO MILES LATER….Starting to wonder if these ‘fat’ food joints exist, telling Sunny on the phone where to send the helicopters to hunt for me, and I see them.  But there’s a Hardees! They do thick-burgers wrapped in lettuce instead of a bun. Not too bad!

10:43  Sit at the drive through waiting for someone to come on.Nobody.  GO back and look at the hours on the window again. Oh, it’s 11pm on weekends. Ugh.  HEad out of the parking lot but have to go right to the next light, do a uturn and then another uturn up the road to get to McDs. Wendy’s is nowhere in sight.

10:45 Order easily. Plain grilled chicken breast, small fries and a sweet tea. I should not be eating this. I’m weak 😦 Pull forward behind a big white truck at the drive through window and wait.

10:47 And wait…

10:50 And wait…

10:57 Truck pulls away with one drink and one bag of food after 12 minutes in front of me. This is a very bad sign.  I pull up and take the bag handed to me. The fries look disgusting. I ask if they have fresh ones. Kind old man in the window says I canmake you some, it’ll take 3.5 minute. No thanks. I’ll survive.

10:59 Pull away wondering why a sweet old man with shaky hands is working the drive through window so late at night. WOnder what his story is.  Grab the bag of food and reach in for a straw.None. Neither are their napkins. I have to drink from the cup(I HATE doing that!) and eat my soggy chicken and limp, cold fries with no napkins.  I’m not liking the polite old man so much, actually.

11:05 Done eating chicken, thinking I’ll count my losses with the fries and the tea. Call Sunny back to talk to me the rest of the way home.  SUnny stories always make me feel, well, sunny?

11:28 Pull into the driveway. I made it home without mishap!  Curl up on the couch in a ball with my head on Travis’ shoulder to completely relax into oblivion for a few minutes.  He’s my favorite place to be xoxo

11:40 Keep resting on my man, who is playing Super Mario Brothers on the Wii. If I wasn’t so worn out that my hairs even ache, I’d almost believe we were teenagers again for a moment.  WHo knew 16 years ago we’d still be vegging on the couch together shooting fireballs and flying with raccoon tails.

11:45 Finally… I’m in the shower.I can’t believe it! I made it before midnight.  But something is off. What is it?  Can’t quite figure it out…wait. I’m wearing my glasses IN the shower! Again! It’s official. I’m suffing from WOMS. (Worn Out Mom Syndrom).

11:50 I’m out.  Thinking how thankful I am for my time living in South America and learning how to take a shower in 5 minutes including shampoo, condition, shave legs, shave underarms and exfoliate the face. I feel so fresh and clean.

12:00 Realize that I can’t go to sleep with my hair wet and I’m NOT risking turning on the dryer to wake up the wee little whiner who still doesn’t sleep through the night.

12:05 Travis goes to bed and I get the bright idea to write down the day’s hilarity, just in case I want to read something funny tomorrow. Who knows? I mean, tomorrow could be a BAD day….

12:45 Goodnight!!!!!

12:47  Eden wakes up crying to nurse…

Disclaimer: This post was based on true events. All times listed are approximations and listed in MST(Maternal Standard Time). Please do not try to correct my time or description on this chain of events. Feel free to comment and tell me your favorite parts.  We can laugh together about it then.  All names have been changed to protect the innocent… Oh wait, I forgot to do that one….

 

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10 Comments

Filed under Family, Mom on The Clock, Motherhood, parenting, Uncategorized

10 responses to “Today- A Pathetic Tale of Miserable Hilarity, And The Quest For a Shower

  1. Kim

    Oh, sweetie, mine are now 13, 10 and 7 and I would love to say it gets better, but the truth is it gets different. I can however honestly say, I miss the smallness of them and you will too, because for all of it’s caos I can tell you are relishing in and loving every moment of this chapter in your life. I love that you wrote this all down and God will use it, I have a similar journal entry from when mine were 5, 3, and 6 mo. I actualy called Bill while sitting on the bathroom floor and told him I was quiting my job. He loving me told me that really wasn’t an option. We laughed, I have used my story with mops groups and other women along with a lesson on the difference between joy and happiness, and the amazing peace that God gives in all our storms. God bless you, and nobody cares what you smell like until it’s been a few days w/o the shower, when the 3 yr. old knows you stink, then your in trouble. I will see if I can find my story and send it to you, I would love to put together a book of them for young Moms to read and go , oh well today isn’t that bad, and to know we all have had them.
    chin up. ( and sleep is highly over rated, my youngest had undiagnosed sleep apnea until she was 2 1/2 she had NEVER slept more that 2 hrs. at one time, night , day, nap, NEVER so obviously neither had I) God uses all of it. and somday I will be a great grandma with all sorts of wisdom to pass on to my girls.
    love ya,

  2. Meghan Martin

    😀 this post put a smile on my face, along with words of “oh my” and “what a day”. I saw your link to this on the TrinityMoms board. thanks for sharing and helping this young SAHM of one child realize that I need to stop pouting and just do my job! good, better, best- never let it rest! I’ve been resting too much on good lately and it’s about time I try for better and best! Here’s to an egg-in-hand day!

  3. Ashley

    Oh Talitha,

    This made me laugh because it reminded me when I was over at your house and your little boy came out with different underwear trying to hide the fact that he pooped everywhere in the bathroom and in his pants while you were just ready to walk out the door to get your others from school… I can’t imagine some of the days you must have. It’s funny how time just flies by too… Even with just one little baby, Kyle will ask me why I didn’t get anything done, lol.

  4. Beth D

    This is just background for why I mysteriously and instantly loved you. Thank you for documenting! 🙂

  5. maureen

    You weren’t kidding when you said you had a bad day! At least you survived to tell the tale! I’m tired just reading about it!

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  8. Victoria Esposito

    This reminds me of a typical day in my life!!! LOL I am a mother of 4:) Your post is so real, it did put a smile on my face,and reminded me that humor is so necessary for survival! Thank you:)

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