Down. Not a Place To Be On A Beautiful Day.

So, I’m in a funk.  A little depressed.  I’ve no where to go.  It’s absolutely gorgeous outside.  We went and played tag with the kids at the park and I couldn’t stop closing my eyes to breath deep.  I love the promise of spring.

The boys are sleeping in their room. Selah is napping on my bed.  Poor Travis is exhausted and sawing logs on the couch.  Me?  I could seriously use a nap.  I’ve hardly slept all week.  I’m sitting in a corner because there is nowhere else to go in this itty bitty house of ours. I’d love to sleep, but I’m being girlie and depressed.  Emotions have been churning this week.  I’ve decided maybe it’s time to think through them, so here I go.

I have a problem with confrontation. Not that I don’t like it.  I actually enjoy it.  I love a good debate on just about anything from diapers to presidential candidates.  I love it when someone actually talks to me about something that I did wrong, rather than hold a grudge or tell everyone else.  I call my home a ‘no-gossip zone’.  I try not to say things that I would not say directly to someone.  It just happens to be that I will be direct about things others wouldn’t dream of.  So, well…I can be a bit of a shock.

My problem isn’t actual confrontation. It’s the fear and pain of NO confrontation.  Of no resolution.  The tension of not being open.  Several months ago on my personal blog I posted some frustration I was working through from the effects of a very unhealthy, toxic friendship. Writing it out is how I deal, so that’s what I did.  Someone got on and commented as ‘anonymous’ and completely misjudged the post or chose to see it differently.  Now, I had no problem with them not agreeing, and I can take criticism. But how the heck do you respond like that to someone and be so cowardly to do it without naming yourself?  I just don’t get that.  My guess is that there is a good chance that it was, in fact, written by the person I was venting about. Sounds like something she would do, along with writing a song about her victimization.

Several months ago I disagreed with a friend on something that was a pretty big deal. It was a painful thing to do.  She refused to talk to me about it, only communicating by email.  I could not compromise on what I knew was clear truth.  I’ve done it before and I won’t go there.  It was  one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and something I never ever wanted to do without talking face to face, and a hug of  ‘I love you but I can’t go there’ . Ultimately, our very special friendship of 11 years (in which I never remember ONE fight) was over in just 3 or 4 emails.  She chose to un-invite me to her wedding and never speak to me again.  I can’t even tell you how much it hurt.   She emailed me this week to tell me that she was thinking of us and praying for Jacob.  My heart is raw all over again. 

I sent the list of links that I posted her (on the Jimmy Hemmel Show) to some friends, and rather than clicking on a few of the moms from church I sent it to the whole group.  It was a VERY stupid thing to do.  Yes, I think it was very funny, and most of the moms in the group did, too.  But one didn’t, maybe more. One mom emailed Lisa to complain (the co-owner of the group with me).  I immediately recognised that is was a stupid, stupid thing to do.  Just to save a few clicks of the mouse, is all.  I apologised on the group.  Several of my friends defended me.   I love them for it, but I didn’t want to perpetuate the problem.  Yet the offended emailed another mom to defend her stance again.  Why the heck wouldn’t someone just be forthcoming and respond to the whole group, or email ME since I’m the one who posted something inappropriate?  I just don’t get that.

So, in thinking about it, the problem is that I didn’t feel like I could defend myself appropriate. I feel like my heart is misunderstood and has been judged.  How do you talk to someone who posts as ‘anonymous’ and is then gone?  How do you show someone how much you really DO care and aren’t just trying to judge and ruin them, when they refuse to see you face to face?  And how to I go to church tomorrow, knowing that one woman out of 50 in the email group things I’m some trashy monster of a mom that posts lewd things to church groups, when they chose to tell others they were offended but not tell me?

We as women feel so challenged to our core if someone doesn’t ‘like’ us?  Driven to please everyone.  Always feeling misunderstood, too much yet not enough all at once. Too lazy but too busy…   I think it’s at the core of every woman’s soul to be seen as whole, yet none of us feel whole.   We feel like if we can portray the image then maybe we have a fighting chance at actually experiencing the peace of wholeness.  So we fight to look the way we want to be seen, just hoping it will come true.  And our daughters see it.  And they learn it. And it goes on.

I am an island.  I live in a neighborhood where I know several families.  Knew them before I moved here.  They’re all a block or two away.  Yet I am alone.  I have no one to call when I feel like this.  Because everyone assumes that I’m so busy. Or that I have it all together.  Why do women do this to ourselves?  We work so hard to look like we have it together that in never occurs to anyone that we may need a call, or a knock on the door when our man is out of town.  Islands, all of us.

 Ironically, we celebrated 4 years of owning this house this week.  It’s taken me a good part of that 4 years to stop being angry at not being included, and to understand that we just have to make other friends.  Now, I’m not saying that these are bad people. Not at all. They’re precious and lovely.  Or that I sit around and dwell on this, pitying myself for 4 years straight.  It just comes up once in awhile when I’m lonely.  And I think we all do it.  The funny thing is that I just read a neighbor mama’s blog.  She’s one of the fun ones.  All happy all of the time, endless slew of friends to hang out with.  I love her.  She’s fun.  To my utter amazement, she feels like I do!  How can that be? Wow.

So, here’s my challenge.  Go call a friend. Someone you’ve been thinking about this week, but haven’t talked to. The woman that looks like she has it all together? She doesn’t. She needs to know that you think about her every now and them.  She needs a hug.  Don’t be an island.



Filed under All Posts, Inner Sessions

3 responses to “Down. Not a Place To Be On A Beautiful Day.

  1. sillyspring

    excellent blog, taken to heart.
    i’ll call my friend tomorrow.
    thanks for opening up!
    God bless!

  2. Jen Carr

    I’m an island up here north of the city, thinking of all the mama’s south of me and the fun times they’re having in that cute and close knit “community”. But I know that is not always the case. I hear from so many of you down there how lonely you are time to time. I actually like my space here; I thrive on time alone. But this Mama up here thinks of you (and the other mamas) a lot.

  3. Robbie Rothenberg

    This was a beautiful entry. Thank you for sharing. I agree that those moms whom we all think have it all together often don’t but we all wish we could look that way from the outside!

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