It’s seven o’clock. I’ve got a raging headache and an hour until bedtime. The kids are on the floor in front of me playing with a mound of jumbo sized LEGOs that their Popi had as a child. If only Selah would stop slowly scraping the aircraft carrier she has constructed across the ocean of my hardwood floors…
The LEGOs were an unexpected gift. They came in a beaten-up pathetic box, at least 10 years old, wrapped in cute paper with a bow. My mother-in-law gave them to us, or back to Travis I suppose, at our baby shower when we were expecting Selah. I remember wondering why she didn’t save them for a first birthday or something. Why give them when they can’t be used for so long? I think the pregnancy hormones must have clouded my mind, because I couldn’t wrap my “cloud” around what a treasure those blocks were, which is so not me, because I tend to be obsessed with family nostalgia in most cases. Because over time even that beat up box had value and became a treasure to me.
At times these LEGOS are the bane of my existence. They liter my floors and get stuck under my couch constantly putting me on the defense for my perpetually bare feet. All worth it for the joy they bring. I wouldn’t give up that treasure for anything. Although at the moment I’m quite relieved to say the aircraft carrier has been reconstructed into a skyscraper. Thankfully, an immobile project.
It’s crazy how sometimes the things that bless us are the things we didn’t ever want in the first place. I was not the happiest woman when I found out I was pregnant with Lucas. I mean, there was no doubt that we wanted more children, but that soon? I was actually too embarrassed to tell people for a few weeks. I couldn’t do it and look happy about it. I’m an open book and everyone would know. After those first few weeks I was fine and looked forward to the sweet little one. But I was saddened all over again when I found out that my dream of having a little ‘Lucienne Gaylene’ would not be coming true. The sonogram very clearly showed it. Yes, I’m admitting that I wanted a girl. Something that many mothers feel but are ashamed to admit. Then there are other mothers who can’t relate to any feeling of disappointment, so they fall into the camp of judgement. It’s my truth. It’s how I felt. But it is absolutely in the past and I wouldn’t change my little “Ruckus” for all the girls in the world.
So when Selah was 3 1/2 and Jacob was 18 months, little Lucas Gaelen was born. Even the plan of a homebirth was a failure. ,After months of planning and preparing, c-section again. But that’s where the disappointment ended. He’s amazing. He’s the most joyful little man ever. Our family needed him, and we needed him when he came. It’s hard to even remember why I ever felt the way I did. I never, ever would call him unplanned. I prefer to say he was ‘unscheduled’.
Blessings come whether we expect them or not, and they come whether we appreciate them at first glance or find reasons why they aren’t perfect. Thankfully, we are not the final deciding authority on what we “need”. I’m so glad the planning wasn’t up to me! I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I had had it my way. It’s so easy for us to get frustrated when things don’t go the way we planned, but the circumstances of our lives make us who we are. I wouldn’t change any of mine. Ever. Lucas, aka Loudini, aka Ruckus Roo is a wild card in our lives that I will guard and treasure, thankful that I was chosen to be his Mama.
Ok, said little man is now terrorizing the LEGO village. Off to save the natives.