Hmm…. my dear husband is a wise man. To think if he hadn’t insisted on my trip to the doctor, who would know that I had strep throat? I’ve never had it before and I will NEVER again look at someone who says “I had strep last week.’ and assume it’s no worse than a little cold.
And I’m convinced that there is a distinct purpose to my being sick and no coincidence that it’s something quite contagious. I won’t leave the house and I’ve stayed away from my own children. No martyr will risk someone else. I’m so predictable. God’s such a genius when it comes to handling us. Due to the diagnosis I obeyed the husband’s, ahem… I meant Doctor’s order to stay in my room. I chose to read ‘the book’ I’ve been avoiding, like I said, for 3 years. Almost to the day, I suppose.
Three years ago I had a tiny little three week old Jacob. Travis was doing anything he could to find extra work and odd jobs, since he had lost his job. I was in constant pain both from my unexpected c-section and the car accident that had injured my back to cause the need for said c-section. Our relationship with his family was strained and painful. We felt very alone, yet were daily working out completely relinquishing our control and trusting God. Such a hard time, but I would go back and change it for anything.
My mother gave me the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge in a stack of books since I had asked her for something to read. Twice I tried to get through the first chapter only to crumble in tears and agony, my heart unable to take on the challenge to even consider such a possibility. Me… captivating…
You see, my husband was in a bitter battle over addiction to pornography. (go ahead and click the link. You KNOW I didn’t put porn there!) The battle had been raging for years, but I had only known about it for a year at this point. I was so proud of him for his honesty, and the fact that he was stronger and winning! Yet, it was a bitter time in the struggle. And as much as I knew the truth that it had nothing to do with me, it wreaked havoc in the mirror and what I saw there. So, basically not a time that I really could imagine myself anything remotely resembling anything…captivating.
So there the book sat. I’ve let several people borrow it over the past 3 years, actually. I always tell them it’s a great book and it will change their lives. I knew that from others, so I wasn’t lying. I just couldn’t ever find the energy to allow it back into my heart. I had to survive.
Well, to be honest I have another friend I want to lend the book to. This woman is precious. But she’s broken and aching. She’s so special to me and I know that God wants her heart. He had mine, and he hadn’t complained much about the scars yet. I guess this time I felt like I should read the book before I give it out again. Which, to be honest, is why the book is still on the shelf when I meant to give it to her two months ago.
Finally under quarantine threats of idle hands, off the shelf it came. I mean, I was going to be miserable while sick, and I was acutely aware that I will be miserable wreck when I read this book. There goes Talitha. The unconventional multi-tasker takes on the two at once. ( and you thought I’d be knitting a sweater while I was sick) Why be miserable twice?
To be honest, I’m not going to write a full review. The book floored me. I cried in anguish, I reveled in peace. I ached in mourning. I sat in awe as it began to dawn on me. I blushed as I realized the truth. My heart raced as the truth set me free. My heart grew into something I’ve never known. No longer a cliche, the truth is about each of us.
I am beautiful, lovely to the core. I am cherished and precious. I’m a warrior, and a princess. My heart is of immeasurable value. No one has to tell me. I don’t have to prove it or fake it.
I just AM captivating.
I can’t imagine ever feeling the same again about myself. For the love of God, go! Get the book!