Countdown To Bedtime, Unexpected Gifts February 28, 2008

It’s seven o’clock.  I’ve got a raging headache and an hour until bedtime.  The kids are on the  floor in front of me playing with a mound of jumbo sized LEGOs that their Popi had as a child.  If only Selah would stop slowly scraping the  aircraft carrier she has constructed across the ocean of my hardwood floors…

The LEGOs were an unexpected gift.  They came in a beaten-up pathetic box, wrapped in cute paper with a bow.  My mother-in-law gave them to us, or back to Travis I suppose, at our baby shower when we were expecting Selah.  I remember wondering why she didn’t save them for a first birthday or something.  Why give them when they can’t be used for so long? At times the LEGOS are the bane of my existence.  They liter my floors and get stuck under my couch constantly putting me on the defense for my perpetually bare feet.  All worth it for the joy they bring.  I wouldn’t give up that treasure for anything.  Although, I’m quite relieved to say the aircraft carrier has been reconstructed into a skyscraper.  Luckily, an immobile project.

It’s crazy how sometimes the things that bless us are the things we didn’t ever want in the first place.  I was not the happiest woman when I found out I was pregnant with Lucas.  I mean, there was no doubt that we wanted more children, but that soon?  I was actually too embarrassed to tell people for a few weeks. I couldn’t do it and look happy about it.  I’m an open book and everyone would know.  After those first few weeks I was fine and looked forward to the sweet little one. But I was saddened all over again when I found out that my dream of having a little ‘Lucienne Gaylene’ would not be coming true.  The sonogram very clearly showed it. 

So when Selah was 3 1/2 and Jacob was 18 months, little Lucas Gaelen was born.  Even the plan of a homebirth was a failure.  C-section again.  But that’s where the disappointment ended.  He’s amazing. He’s the most joyful little man ever.  Our family needed him, and we needed him when he came.  It’s hard to even remember why I ever felt the way I did.  I prefer to say he was ‘unscheduled’.  I never ever would call him unplanned. 

Blessings come whether we expect them or not and I’m so glad the planning wasn’t up to me!  It’s so easy for us to get frustrated when things don’t go the way we planned, but the circumstances of our lives make us who we are. I wouldn’t change any of mine.

Ok, said little man is now terrorizing the LEGO village.  Off to save the natives.

Unweaned….really February 25, 2008

When I was pregnant with Selah, first munchkin of our tribe, I remember an old friend of my mother’s visiting for the summer.  Now this woman is one of the most outspoken, opinionated bold mommas you could ever happen upon.  Basically an older, slightly crunchier version of me.  At the time I was floating in the pool, gorgeous prego belly exposed to the sun.  Complete bliss.  She was interrogating me on my plans for how I would parent.  Would I have a home-birth, would I go back to work… and the inevitable… would I breastfeed? 

For me there was no question.  There’s no doubt that it’s the best thing for my baby.  I personally couldn’t imagine messing with bottles in the middle of the night when I can just break out the boob.  The idea of ‘running out’ of formula sounded like a pain in the butt.  No way, I’m way too lazy for that. Not to mention the fact that I’m seriously too  cheap to pay for formula when breast-milk is free.  I’m not judging anyone who chose differently.  For me it was never even a question. 

So, clearly the answer was an immediate yes.  Then the next question was “How long will you breastfeed?”  That one hadn’t really come to mind yet.  I thought about it for a second.  I have vague memories of this woman being the epitome of mother earth mixed with the whole “hear me roar” thing.  Super power mom.  I know she nursed her babies longer than I probably would.  So I asked how long she did.  She had 6 children (I think that’s right) but she said that the one she nursed longest she had to wean eventually because the dentist said his teeth were getting cavities.  I looked at her in shock…

Me: Well how old was he?

 Supermom: I think he was in first grade.

Me:  Are you kidding me? (insert dumbfounded look of shock)

Supermom: Well, How long do YOU think you should breastfeed? ( justifiably defensive at my rudeness)

Me: Well I hope I stop before her teeth rot out! (paddling off to the deep end with brain reeling)

Now I think of this exchange often.  First of all, I’m still embarrassed at my rudeness.   (K and L, please don’t stop reading, I love your mom!)  Sometimes I think I should carry around a shoehorn for how often I put my foot in my mouth.  Yes, it was a bit extreme but  was it really that bad to have extended breastfeeding?

I’m ashamed to admit that I nursed Selah to 9 months and then weaned out of laziness.  Not saying that  9 months is ‘too short’.  I just know in my heart that it was for me that I weaned her.  Even at 9 months I would often have unexpected leakage issues.  I was working part time and forced to pump in the car.  It was embarrassing.  One night a single guy at church pointed at my shirt and said “Um,  you’re ahhh, ummm..”.  When I looked down and saw the left side of my shirt drenched I knew then and there that I was done with it.  Selah was an independent baby and didn’t seem to care.  She’s not scared, although I wonder if the finger sucking issue is connected.  I’m not getting down on myself.  I just know that now I would do it differently.  I have to be honest and say that my judgement on Supermom caused me to overreact and fear being seen as an ‘over exuberant’ nurser. I didn’t understand it. 

  With Jacob we went to 15 months, mainly because of his huge list of food allergies.  It was quite convenient to always have something for him, ummm… ‘on hand’, so to speak.   So when, at 8 months, I found out Lucas was on the way I kept it up as long as I could.  At six months into my pregnancy the cramps I was having during breastfeeding started to worry my OB (having had both Selah and Jake on the early side, with preterm issues).  So we weaned and he never looked back.  Ironic is the hindsight.  Maybe if I had kept up the breastfeeding I wouldn’t have been pregnant for 42 weeks that time! Who knew…

So here I am.  Lucas.  Last month we got down to nursing once every couple of days.  I got irritated with the inconsistency, and the fact that my nips were starting to be tender.  I decided he was done.  And he didn’t protest much either.  I was a bit shocked that we went all the way to 18 months without even thinking about it being any different.  I thought about Supermom.   I could see it.  Just keep going and don’t worry about it.  Somehow doesn’t seem like a big deal now. 

Well, that was last month.  We went about 4 weeks without nursing and suddenly I’m faced with the fact that my child actually has become UNweaned.  Last week he got a cold and out of the blue he was begging to nurse.  No big deal.  It was probably soothing.  I know my body will still make milk for months.  So, nurse we did.  And it really isn’t a big deal. 

He’s back to nursing just in the morning when he wakes up.  I never offer to, but he’s asking every morning.  To be honest, I just don’t see the point in denying it.  I look at Selah who is in kindergarten, and Jacob at three.  Nope, I love me some Supermom but I still don’t think I can do that.  On the other hand, what’s the big deal? 

I think the only issue I would have is if breastfeeding is for your identity.  Trying to prove something.  Or some neediness on the part of Mom.  I don’t think that was why Supermom did it.  I think it just kinda worked for her and wasn’t a big deal. 

On the other hand, I have seen a mom make it a big deal.  Following her 4 year old around at the park offering to nurse at every turn ‘just in case she wanted it’.  I mean, if the child still feels a need for it, let them ask.  If mom feels a need for it….where does that put you?  Do you need that to be important? Is it your soapbox, your identity?   That kinda doesn’t sit so well with me…

As it stands, my unexpectedly un-weaned 19 month old is welcome to keep nursing for now.  With homeschooling, working from home and general mom and wife duties, he may just see it as his best opportunity for some peace with mom. Why would I deny that?  And I have to say, it’s the only time I get a glimpse of him as a baby anymore, rather than the toddler in constant motion.  So nurse we will. Till….whenever….

I think Supermom would be proud. 

The Next Step in Futility February 22, 2008

For anyone who got a laugh and a tear out of my last post on Jacob, we’re onto the next step.  After all of that, the barium enema and xrays showed nothing wrong.  It’s confusing how they can see that as a good thing.  Maybe because they aren’t the ones sitting several times a day holding him while he cried out in pain, or wiping him when his rear end is bleeding.  I don’t really see anything good about all of this happening to a three year old, myself.  Jake has had blood in his stools since October. It has gone from once every 10 days to now consistently twice a day (Every time he poops). He’s in a lot of pain because of it, and has already been tested for allergies, Celiac Disease, Iritable Bowel Syndrome, Crohn’s Disease, internal hemorrhoids, hernias…  Often, when he’s hurting the most he asks, ever so sweetly through the tears, for us to take him to the hospital so they can make it better.   It’s agonizing.

We took the next step yesterday and had an appointment with a pediatric gastrointestinal specialist.  Jacob and I left at 6:45am to be there by 7:30, but I have to say it was worth it to be able to go without the other two munchkins to spar with. The kids are up by 6am every morning anyway.  Huh, and people think homeschoolers get to sleep in all of the time…

 Being one of the first appointments of the morning made the wait pretty quick.  And Dr H was all happy and chipper.  He was clearly good with children.  He had the most atrocious zoo tie on.  Jacob adored it and now wants me to make him a tie to go with his play doctor dress-up set. Dr H. asked all of his questions and seemed pretty unconcerned.  He examined Jake and ordered a colonoscopy.  Ugh…the things you hear adults saying about colonoscopies, and they’ll be doing it to this little bitty guy. 

 He kept mentioning that it was most likely just a polyp (sp?), but then said that wouldn’t cause the constant pain (and screaming, trauma, anguish…).  I highly doubt that is it.  But I have no idea what it could be. For some reason the suggestion of it kept annoying me.  Was he listening?  Did he understand how much pain my son is in at night?  Maybe I’ll send him a video of it…take pictures of the blood for proof that it’s more than ‘just a little streak here and there’….. Too much?  Yeah, I guess that’s a little dramatic of me.  It was just a bit disheartening when he wrote out the order for the colonoscopy and said to come back in three months.  Three months?  and in the meantime, what do you suggest?  You’re kidding, right?
Anyway, here’s to hoping that he’s right.  That it’s a little thing, like a polyp,  that can be fixed easily while the poor guy is under anesthesia already with scopes up his A…  Just whatever it takes for it to be done, and not three months from now.

Not Quite A Bribe February 9, 2008

Tw weeks ago we made a visit to the dentist for three munchkins.   No signs of cavities in little teeth, and the morning was quite the success as I left with all three happily playing with new toothbrushes.  As I expected, they were concerned at Selah’s teeth being so spread and the callouses from how much she sucks her fingers.

It started almost from birth. I have pictures of Selah as a sweet itty bitty, even then sucking the same two fingers.   I did try to get her to switch them out for a passi, but I certainly didn’t make as much effort as I could have.  I have to accept the fact that not making it a priority when it would have been easier was certainly a mistake.  Here we are at five years old with a 25% overbite and huge crooked gaps. 

They are suggesting that we consider a permanent retainer that would inhibit the finger sucking. The retainer is basically a wire that is attached to the back of her top teeth making it uncomfortable to suck the fingers. It can be worn up to 6 months but they expect the habit to be broken within three months.

 Unfortunately the retainer is NINE HUNDRED DOLLARS! (((faint))) Our cost would be $300 after insurance.  Well, if you know anything about me, you know I’m not jumping on that bandwagon.  If it’s necessary we will do what we have to.  But…..We’ll be working on other options first.

In the past I’ve made  efforts on different ways to stop the sucking.  And, I admit, our efforts…ahem….sucked…  We tried band-aids, gloves,  that nasty  tasting stuff you brush on like polish. At one point I had her hand bandaged up to look like a cast.  I could say nothing worked, but the reality is that we didn’t stick it out long enough. 

This time had to be different.  I know someone who was so proud of how she ‘reasoned’ with her son and convinced him that the grocery store was out of diapers  to get him potty trained.  Not something I would brag about, since he was almost ready for kindergarten.  Obviously, I’m NOT proud of the fact that we’ve made it to the point that Selah can be reasoned with for this.  But since she is we sat down and talked about what her finger sucking was doing to her teeth and her fingers.  We talked about her nails not growing properly, her teeth being out of line and needing braces in the future and ultimately that this could cost a lot of money and be very painful to her.  So, instead of jumping on the idea of paying $300 for the retainer  I told Selah we would put $100 in her savings account instead, if she could stop on her own. 

We went out and I let her choose some dainty little band-aids to keep on her fingers as a reminder.  Is it bad that I hid the Barbie band-aids from her and directed her to some generic cute fairies?  Fairies it was and she’s worn them all week not sucking her fingers once.

So,  I’m calling it an incentive, not a bribe.   We’ll be keeping her fingers in band-aids for several weeks to make sure that it sticks.  We’ll see….