Putting My Money Where My Mouth Is June 30, 2008

While we’ve intended to homeschool for quite awhile, I have always been extremely cautious to not make it about a ’school is evil’ thing.  Because it isn’t. The reality is that as a parent you have to dedicate 25% to your children.  The CHOICE is whether it’s 25% of your time homeschooling, 25% of your time in supplementing their schooling and morals, or 25% of your time/money to send them to private school.  No matter how you do it, it takes a huge chunk to do it right. And no one ever does it perfectly.

I feel like a breakdown is inevitable.  I know that I can tough it out and force myself to be the all-powerful, homechool super-mom, but I WILL have a breakdown at some point. I don’t want it to be at 3rd or 4th grade after a miserable year, where I’m putting her in public school because of a failure. I feel strongly about homeschooling, but I think that taking a break now for a year to get a good head start and be really prepared next year (or the next if we decide to send her longer, whatever) is a healthier decision and it’s on my terms.  I’ve always said that I’m not married to homeschooling. I’ve seen it done so well that it produced amazing, confident adults. Yet I’ve also seen children broken by horrible circumstances where parents insist on homechooling for their OWN identity.  I have to choose on what is best for Selah and Jacob, and right now their momma is tired and overwhelmed. I don’t know that I can do the best job for them *this* year.   The only 100% is that my children are my priority, and I will sacrifice who I want to be to see them be who they need to be any and every day.

So, there it is. I feel so strange now that it is decided. I can’t imagine my children being away from me THAT much. It’s a very humbling decision, because I’m admitting my human-ness and my inability to do all that I think I should.  But I know that God has grace for this.   

On Saturday we went school shopping, just the two of us.  We stopped at Starbucks, where she was thrilled to pieces to get a chocolate milk in a mini version of Mommas cup of coffee complete with the lid to sip it through.  She couldn’t help her random giggling and kept saying, “Momma, do people think that I’m drinking real coffee?  Caffeine isn’t healthy. Do they know?”  I assured her that they knew caffeine was not healthy and that anyone would easily assume that she was drinking decaf coffee like her mommy.  It was a simple shopping trip, since her school requires uniforms.  I did let her pick out some barrettes and headbands.  What  a precious morning.

Selah starts school on July 14th.  The school is a year-round program.  For the past 5 weeks she has reminded me every Saturday morning of exactly how many weeks are left until she starts school.  It’s on Saturday because she says that is when the week ends. It doesn’t matter that school will begin on a Monday, the week begins on the Sunday. But for me, I know that two weeks from today I will be alone with my 2 boys. And then only a few more weeks after that for Jacob to start preschool. 

Lucas is such a wild card for us. I think that a few months of alone time with mom, before conceding the throne of  ’the baby’ to another, will be good for him.  Selah and Jacob never had a minute of jealousy over being dethroned. They were each immediately enthralled with the title of big sister/brother.  Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t see Lucas giving in so graciously.  While he’s more daring and adventurous he also has an edge of anger and attitude that the others never seemed to have. It’s just who he is and I have to parent him differently.  It’ll be good to have some time to work on his little heart before my time is taken up with all the newborn stuff again.  I think this year will be good for all of us.

 

Chinese Fire Drill June 9, 2008

You’ve played it. I know you have.  Just when you least expect it someone is yelling for everyone to leap out of the van, run around in circles piling in all haphazard with no one ending up where they started out. That’s my life the last few months.  Changes, decisions, unexpectedness.  So in the upheaval, blogging went right out the window.  No space in my day for it.  Just not the top priority in life.  Things are falling back into place, and not many are in the same place they were 4 months ago.  But the changes are good. 

I keep getting emails asking me to write some more.  At the time that I quit I was getting around 200 views a day, so someone was reading me.  I’m thinking that I’ll start carving out some time again for it.  Not that I have much more than a minute right now. I’ve got 3 little munchkins asking for lunch and 4 loads of laundry to do.  Now if I could figure out how to upload the video to show you, I’d be doing really well.

Enough rambling. I’ll be back a bit later with something more interesting to share.

 

 

Easter Story Cookies March 22, 2008

Oh, and here’s our Easter Story Cookie RecipeDLTK’s Bible Activities for Kids
Easter Story Cookies

My neighbor gave me this recipe, but I found it by searcing, too.

EASTER STORY COOKIES 

To be made the evening before Easter

	1cup whole pecans
	1tsp vinegar
	3 egg whites
	pinch salt
	1 cup sugar
	zipper baggie
	wooden spoon
	tape
	Bible

Preheat oven to 300 degrees (this is important, don’t wait till you’re half done with the recipe!)Place pecans in zipper baggie and let children beat them with the wooden spoon to break into small pieces.  Explain that after Jesus was arrested, He was Beaten by the Roman soldiers.  Read John 19:1-3.

Let each child smell the vinegar.  Put 1tsp vinegar into mixing bowl.  Explain that when Jesus was thirsty on the cross, He was given vinegar to drink.  Read John 19:28-30.

Add egg whites to vinegar.  Eggs represent life.  Explain that Jesus gave His life to give us life.  Read John 10:10-11.

Sprinkle a little salt into each child’s hand.  Let them taste it and brush the rest into the bowl.  Explain that this represents the salty tears shed by Jesus’ followers, and the bitterness of our own sin.  Read Luke 23:27.

So far, the ingredients are not very appetizing.  Add 1 cup sugar.

Explain that the sweetest part of the story is that Jesus died because He loves us.  He wants us to know and belong to Him.  Read Psalm 34:8 and John 3:16.

Beat with a mixer on high speed for 12 to 15 minutes until stiff peaks are formed.  Explain that the color white represents the purity in God’s eyes of those whose sins have been cleansed by Jesus.  Read Isaiah 1:18 and John 3:1-3.

Fold in broken nuts.  Drop by teaspoons onto wax paper covered cookie sheet.  Explain that each mound represents the rocky tomb where Jesus’ body was laid.  Read Matthew 27:57-60.

 Put the cookie sheet in the oven, close the door and turn the oven OFF.  Give each child a piece of tape and seal the oven door.  Explain that Jesus’ tomb was sealed.  Read Matthew 27:65-66.

GO TO BED!  Explain that they may feel sad to leave the cookies in the oven overnight.  Jesus’ followers were in despair when the tomb was sealed.  Read John 16:20 and 22.

On Easter morning, open the oven and give everyone a cookie.  Notice the cracked surface and take a bite.  The cookies are hollow!  On the first Easter, Jesus’ followers were amazed to find the tomb open and empty.  Read Matthew 28:1-9.
 Copied from here

No Easter Bunny ‘Round hare… March 22, 2008

Nope.  Just like Santa, the big fluffy guy is seriously a distraction from the meaning of the holiday. Which is the death of Christ.  I don’t post a lot about my spiritual beliefs here, but I’m sure they are evident.   I believe Easter is the most important day of the year. The remembrance of the death of Christ is much more important than his birth, because his death is what gives us freedom. 

To find out where he came from, read this.  

 Easter Bunny

On Thursday night we had 3 couples over for dinner, prayer and communion.  The idea being that ‘The Last Supper’ (the Thursday before Easter) was Christ with his friends sharing a simple meal of wine and bread and then he didn’t eat again until he rose on Sunday.  So that was the last thing we ate.  I did have one cup of coffee with milk yesterday and I made some apple/orange juice this morning and had about 6 ounces. 
Ironically, I had to make 2 huge batches of muffins and a batch of chocolate overload cookies yesterday, all while not eating.  It wasn’t really that bad.  And today I have to make 2 cakes to take to dinner tomorrow, and we are making Easter Story Cookies with the kids.
I’ve always had a hard time fasting because I’m hypoglycemic.  It really hasn’t been a problem this time and I’m actually enjoying the experience of reading the bible and meditating at mealtimes instead of eating.  Part of me actually wants to start fasting on a more regular basis because it’s so calming.  Haven’t really felt hungry yet, but I may by tonight.

  We’ve read the stages from Palm Sunday to the cross to the kids and Selah keeps begging us to go ahead and read the end, even though she knows what happens. It’s precious.  We will read the resurrection tomorrow morning and have a ‘celebration’ over breakfast.   Tonight Travis and I will watch ‘The Passion of The Christ’ after the kids go to bed.  Tomorrow we will have lunch with my family and dinner with his. 

So, that’s our Easter process. What’s yours?

The Day of The Colonoscopy March 10, 2008

Just got home and I’m totally spent.  It was a long day.  I wanted to let my mommas know that they were able to rule out any cysts or tumors. Not a polyp either.  His colon is inflamed and they took 2 biopsies that we will not get the results of until Friday.  So, at least the big scary stuff is off the list of options.   

Selah and Lucas spent the night at my in-laws house, a rare treat for them and us.  It’s amazing how well Jacob did with not being able to eat for 24 hours. He would ask for food but never fussed when we told him that he had to wait for the doctor to give him permission at the hospital. During mealtimes I sat and played with him so he got some special momma time.

He started out excited when we got to the hospital, but became uneasy when we were put in the room. We almost had a full on revolt when he recognized the gown from prior visits. He didn’t want that thing near him.  The’ goofy gas’ they gave him loosened him up pretty quickly.  We got a bit of a glimpse of what Jacob the Stoner would be like…

The took him from the room and we waited, and waited… I tried to knit. I turned on the TV. Finally I forced Travis to get off of his laptop and walk down to the cafe with me for a cup of coffee and a muffin. We hadn’t eaten, of course, since Jacob couldn’t.  I walked through the gift shop to laugh at a bunch of horrendous junk.  Who buys this stuff?

We were only back in the room for about 10 minutes before the brought him back.  Coming out of it was pretty traumatic for all of us.  He was kicking and screaming as if he didn’t even know we were there.  All I could think of is ‘This is what Jacob would be like if he was autistic”.  I’ve never heard him scream like that or have a fit like that.  I held him kicking and screaming for 20 minutes while he was still coming out. He doesn’t even remember it, but my arms are literally still sore from it for hours afterward. Finally the only thing that would calm him was to have the lights off while watching TV.  But the only thing that made it work was me talking in a constant, low voice while he watched ‘The Fox and The Hound”.  The second he didn’t hear my voice, he would start screaming and writhing again.  Eventually it all wore off and he was jut a little dizzy and off balance for the rest of the afternoon.

We let him choose to go to a restaurant after the hospital to get something to eat. Chickfila, of course. That’s a big treat around here.  It was so strange to be there, just Mom, Popi and Jake. He was loving it.

We drove up to get Selah and Lucas, about 45 minutes away, and spent the rest of the afternoon there.

By the time I got them all dressed and in bed I was so worn out.  I felt like I could use some goffy gas myself. For kicks here’s a video of him on the ‘goofy gas’ before he went in.

Of Mice and Media March 8, 2008

I distinctly remember a conversation that Travis and I had with another couple when we were preggers with our first, Selah.  Somehow we had gotten on the subject of children’s media and they were incredulous at our intention of keeping it bare bones in our house. 

Them: Well, aren’t you going to let them watch the Simpsons? (insert look of amazement)

US: Ummm.. Heck no.

Them: There’s nothing wrong with the Simpsons. It’s hilarious!  Our kids are gonna love the Simpsons! Don’t tell me your going to be one of those ‘Disney is Evil.’ families!  (I almost stepped aside to look in the mirror to be sure that I hadn’t actually grown two heads)

Us:  Well, the thing of it is…

Yes, the thing of it is… what is the thing of it.  Simpsons.  Yes, it’s funny.  Seriously clever and entertaining. But honestly?  Mom’s a wimp and off in lala land.  Dad’s a lazy bum that certainly isn’t the best example for his kids.  Bart, totally undisciplined and disrespectful.  Lisa, unchallenged and unvalidated.  Maggie…whatever.  Dude, go for it. Watch the Simpsons.  I’ll watch it now and then and laugh.  But I’m not going to let a 3 year old that is just learning how to be respectful and interact with others watch that.   It plants seeds that I don’t want and I have enough weeding and pruning to do on my sweet little guys.  I’m not up for adding that into my workload.  You go for it.  That discussion was about 5 1/2 years ago.  As far as I can see, the other couple’s kids are pretty great.  I’ve never asked if they actually let them watch the Simpsons.  It’s just not that big of a deal to me.  When they get older?  Maybe. Doubt it, but maybe.

Now Disney. That’s just downright evil from the pit of hell. Oh, I so crack myself up sometimes.  There was a huge ‘boycott Disney’ movement when I was growing up.  Maybe it’s still around?  Surprisingly enough my parents didn’t get too active in it. They’d already cut out so many things that they had Disney covered long before the boycott started.  I never say scooby doo until after I was married.  I still don’t think I’ve ever really seen the Smurfs.  My father still swears that smurf means ‘little demon’ in Swedish or something.  We seriously weren’t allowed to watch just about anything.  Except the Cosby Show, Little House on The Prairie, Mash, Night Rider and McGyver.  The last three because my father loved them and his short lived stance against the media for kids wasn’t as strong as his desire to watch HIS favorite shows.  No TiVo back then.

Ok, back to Disney. I don’t hate The Mouse, but I don’t let my kids watch Disney, I think.  I say I think because it’s more about individual movies.  These movies are made by some seriously talented people and I enjoy them.  But children see things so differently. They see a movie one timeand they’re consumed with the desire to BE the princess or the hero. They long for the romance that they don’t understand and aren’t ready for.  They see the villains and monsters and their little hearts haven’t yet learned to distinguish between reality and fantasy.  Think about Sleeping Beauty or The Little Mermaid.  The witches are terrifying! Not just because their witches and witches are eeeevvviillll.   They morph into these huge monsters with sounds and flashes and …terror!  It’s the picture that I don’t want to be putting into their little minds.  Their innocence is only intact as long as I protect it.  And at this point we prefer to limit their exposure to things that are a little more on the realistic side of fantasy. None of them seems scared by our oppressive parenting so far.

 But I’m also very big on giving our children choices. Because, whether we as parents like it or not, they always have a choice. And “because I said so” can be a slippery slope of uneducation that I don’t want my kids to slide down.  So, I spend a lot of time explaining their choices.

Last week Selah saw a copy of Sleeping Beauty and was just begging to see it.  The child was batting her eyelashes with a sweet little tilt to her head. She looked up at me with those big brown eyes…. “Please let me see it, Momma.”  So I sat down with her in my lap for a talk. 

Me: Why do you want to watch this movie, Love?

Selah: Because I want to watch the Princess and see the castle! It looks beautiful.

Me: She is beautiful, but this movie is a little bit scary. There is a mean witch in this movie that wants to kill Sleeping Beauty. She’s mean and hateful. She throws fire and turns into a dragon and destroys things especially trying to kill the prince that is coming to save the princess. It gets really loud and confusing with lots of fire and the big dragon. I’m worried that if you watch this you will have those pictures in your head and your heart, and they will make you afraid when you think of them. They will give you bad dreams in the night when you could have had good dreams without those pictures in your head.

Selah: Oh…. stares off with her brow creased in concern.

Me: Selah, Do you still want to watch the movie?

Selah: No thanks, Momma. I’m going to go play with my dollhouse. Maybe I can watch it when I’m 10. And off she gallops to sweet playtime adventure.

Now, had she said yes I would have talked to Travis and we may have sat down and watched it with her, asking her how it made her feel at intense intervals to see how she fared. I have no doubt that she would have asked to turn it off at some point.

So, the TV is hardly ever on around here, but I don’t go around saying the TV is sinful.  I do love that instead of begging for, well, I don’t know any shows really… my 5 and 3 year old will sit side by side for an hour at the dining room table doing puzzles.   They haven’t seen a lot of the popular movies and didn’t understand most of the costumes on Halloween that kids wore pertaining to their favorite characters.  My kiddos begged to dress up as Dorothy and The Tin Man because that’s what we were reading at the time.  See, they get some fantasy. But, I still wouldn’t let them watch the ‘Wizard of Oz’ for quite awhile.

I have found that the Pixar movies are generally pretty good.  See, I’m not totally off my rocker.  They don’t have the romantic themes and, while fantastic, they’re more realistic?  The kids were just allowed to watch Toy Story at a friend’s house.  My son immediately decided he is Buzz Lightyear.  I have to say that it confirmed my conviction a bit. If they are at a stage where they are going to take on the personalities of what they watch, I’d better get some good stuff into that DVD player for them to copy!

Anyway, I’m now rambling for no reason. I’m sure you get my point.  I’d love to see some suggestions for good movies for kids to grow on.  The current favorites are Charlotte’s Web, Mary Poppins, Sound of Music and Evan Almighty, followed by any Veggie Tales they can get their hands on.   Think about it for a second and post a comment letting me know what movies you want your kids to act like? 

The Diva Cup Virgin Diary of Melissa March 7, 2008

So, while I’m doing my own journal, I really wanted to share a good friend of mine’s, too. Her experience is different so maybe you’ll get something out of it!  Used with her permission, of course!

—————————————————–

After being 3 days late and even peeing on a stick, I started my period. (Kinda scary considering I have my tubes tied) Last month I ordered a Diva Cup and of course it arrived the day after my last period stopped. Initial impressions were good. It wasn’t too intimidating size wise and it is very flexible. Having had 3 vaginal births I got the size 2.

It lived in my bathroom cabinet until this morning. Initial insertion was pretty easy or so I thought. It slipped down and partially out so I had to try again. 2nd go I got it in much higher and am pretty sure it popped open. I forgot that I am angled to my left and adjusted insertion accordingly. It is somewhat pinchy so I think I will need to trim the stem a little bit the next time I take it out.

So that’s the start of my Diva Cup adventures. I’ll update accordingly. Next chapter… taking this thing out and emptying/cleaning it!

**************************************************************

I was told what it would be like to empty the Dia Cup but it is one of those you have to see it to believe experiences. Actually seeing the product of one’s period in it’s liquid state is VERY different than seeing it absorbed onto a pad or tampon. The maker has even included handy measuring lines so you can see how heavy your flow is. 

I was successful in emptying it before we went to the park without looking like I commited Haryy Carry. Insertion went ok. No leaking while I was out and about, although I still wore a “just in case” pad.

After returning home I discovered that it was sitting too low for my liking. Removal went well again…glad I’m not squeamish……about blood anyway. Insertion was the easiest it has been. I made sure to hold the “u” shape more tightly than I had been so it wouldn’t pop open before I got it too far in. I actually had an audible “pop” this time. I knew it was open.  So far so good.

Next update will be about how it fares overnight!

*************************************************************
Overnight was a success! I emptied it around 8:30pm, making sure I felt it pop open. Once again had a pad on just in case. My poor DH was a captive audience so I took the opportunity to tell him about it. He wants to know al these tmi things about my body, right? While talking to him I did realize that there is no odor while on my period. With tampons and pads there is usually an old blood smell that one can’t avoid, especially with pads. Since the blood is getting no air time, no odor. The diva cup is nonabsorbant so my vagina doesn’t get a dried out feeling like with tampons. On light flow days removing a tampon was akin to torture. I was comfortable all night. Never felt it. I got up at 5:15 am and emptied it into the toilet. This was the longest stretch of wearing it and it wasn’t even full. My pad only had a spot the size of a pencil eraser on it. I don’t think this was leakage as much as residual blood on the outer part of my vaginal opening from the last time I emptied it. Supposedly, an average entire cycle is only a few ounces. I am at an ounce and a half a day into my cycle. Gotta love those measuring lines. I am definitely happy knowing I can sleep in the buff all month long!

Today’s adventure……going to try new folds! http://community.livejournal.com/menstrual_cups/453392.html#cutid2  (Note that a Keeper is pictured, not the Diva Cup)

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My adenture with the 7 fold was short lived. I achieved suction but it felt like it was sitting sideways. I dealt with that for a few hours before I had to readjust it.  Back to the trusty C fold. It seems to work for me.

As I go about my daily life with the Diva I am constantly reminded of a War song. Low……ri…..der……don’t use no gas now…. Either my vaginal canal is really short or I have a free spirited Diva Cup. When I get it in the stem is sitting right t my vaginal opening. Once I stand or move it migrates so that the stem and a lower portion of the cup are beyond my aginal opening and all exposed. I know it is on my cervix and it is suctioned on but to no avail it sticks out. Honestly, it’s a little annoying.

I emptied it last night and reinserted it where I thought it should be. The whole time I am finangling it in there DH is carrying on some conversation where I was expected to be an active participant. Apparently inserting the Diva while talking is beyond me. It felt comfy but I woke up to leaks on my pad. There was very little in the cup but I am nearing the end of my cycle.

So one more day to my adventures. While confident in it’s effectiveness I am pondering why it sits so low. And I leave you with this:

All my friends know the low rider
The low rider is a little higher
Low rider drives a little slower
Low rider is a real goer
Low rider knows every street yeah!
Low rider is the one to meet yeah!
Low rider don’t use no gas now
Low rider don’t drive to fast
Take a little trip
Take a little trip
Take a little trip and see
Take a little trip
Take a little trip
Take a little trip with me

It’s Official… March 6, 2008

I’m a Diva wearer.  Oh, I know that was cruel.  I see there are are already 70 hits this morning, so for those of you who were checking back to see if I peed on a stick, I didn’t.  Aunt Flo came knocking at 5am.  I had quite the adventure getting that Diva Cup in for the first time.  But it’s in, and I don’t even feel it!  So much better than a tampon, seriously! 

Ok, I’m off to the park with the kiddos.  Be back later.  I’ve got some more grocery tips to share tonight after bedtime.

Oh… Just to Pee in Private Again! March 5, 2008

I patiently hold it as I nudge Lucas through the door.  Right as I have him safely cleared Jacob rushes past me and vaults up the step-stool screaming “I need to wash my hands.  Dare Durrtee, Momma.”  Ok.  Patience.  Breath.  Just a minute.  Quickly, I scrub in to join the handwashing procedure, hoping that assisting will shorten the time.  Before he turns the faucet off, his favorite part of course, I have the towel in hand and I’m drying him off (head to toe) frantically.  Right. He’s out the door.  I’m alone.  I may now sit and do what I need to do in peace.  At least I think.  In comes Selah who proudly makes my business public with her ‘defecation proclamation’.  Oh the shame.  This is worse than when she would fake puke into public toilets when I was pregnant with Jacob.  That’s what they were for, right?

 It’s not often that mom’s get privacy.  A few stolen moments in the bathroom.  A trip to the mailbox or, if you’re lucky, the grocery store.  A brief reprieve at naptime.  It doesn’t add up to much time to, well, be.  On one hand, I find it frustrating to hear a list of things we deserve as moms.  A list that sounds like a ‘To Do’s’ for the pampered princess who feels entitled to whatever she wants.  On the other hand I’m apt to ignore the needs of my body and psyche for regeneration, pushing myself to the edge of sanity and back again several times each day.  I know no rest.

So, like everything else,  I find the need to examine my ‘momstincts’. Where’s the happy medium between selfish entitlement and grinding ourselves to nothing.  Where do I fall on the scale between two extremes? 

 Now, I can find justification for just about anything I decide I ‘feel’ at the moment.  Can’t you?  When I have a pity party I find the friend that will always poor baby me.  When I’m pissed, validation of my angst is only a call away.  When I need that little ‘Oh, don’t worry. You DESERVE it.’ another friend can be found at the click of a mouse.  Basically what I’m saying is that we can find support for whatever we want to.  But is that the right thing? 

I think this one comes down to self awareness.  I know the difference between condemnation and conviction.   Condemnation is shaming.  It’s unjust pressure and fear.  Conviction is what comes when the truth hurts.  When enlightenment is knocking at the door to push us into deeper knowledge of truth.  Conviction is the reminder that you’re potential is so much greater than what you just did. 

So, which is it?  Do I feel condemnation for harboring thoughts of time alone?  Is the reality that the thoughts are healthy and I should be working towards carving out a few moments to exhale?  Or is it a conviction that I really have the time and I’m using it unwisely and complaining too much.  That if I had more patience with my kids and kept the house clean on a more regular basis I wouldn’t feel the urge to escape from it.

 These are the things I’ve pondered today.  A day when I haven’t been to the bathroom once alone.  And I’ve picked up toys with my kids over and over, yet didn’t play with them as much as I could have because the phone stole my attention.  I avoided the dishes because I’m just sick of  standing at that sink.

So the answer to THE question?  Is my heart condemned or convicted?  The honest truth is that the questions are the same but the answer changes daily.  Hourly, even.  And today it’s a little bit of both.  So I’m releasing the condemnation. It’s useless and shaming.  The conviction?  I think we’ll play more tomorrow.  I need it as much as they do.

Unweaned….really February 25, 2008

When I was pregnant with Selah, first munchkin of our tribe, I remember an old friend of my mother’s visiting for the summer.  Now this woman is one of the most outspoken, opinionated bold mommas you could ever happen upon.  Basically an older, slightly crunchier version of me.  At the time I was floating in the pool, gorgeous prego belly exposed to the sun.  Complete bliss.  She was interrogating me on my plans for how I would parent.  Would I have a home-birth, would I go back to work… and the inevitable… would I breastfeed? 

For me there was no question.  There’s no doubt that it’s the best thing for my baby.  I personally couldn’t imagine messing with bottles in the middle of the night when I can just break out the boob.  The idea of ‘running out’ of formula sounded like a pain in the butt.  No way, I’m way too lazy for that. Not to mention the fact that I’m seriously too  cheap to pay for formula when breast-milk is free.  I’m not judging anyone who chose differently.  For me it was never even a question. 

So, clearly the answer was an immediate yes.  Then the next question was “How long will you breastfeed?”  That one hadn’t really come to mind yet.  I thought about it for a second.  I have vague memories of this woman being the epitome of mother earth mixed with the whole “hear me roar” thing.  Super power mom.  I know she nursed her babies longer than I probably would.  So I asked how long she did.  She had 6 children (I think that’s right) but she said that the one she nursed longest she had to wean eventually because the dentist said his teeth were getting cavities.  I looked at her in shock…

Me: Well how old was he?

 Supermom: I think he was in first grade.

Me:  Are you kidding me? (insert dumbfounded look of shock)

Supermom: Well, How long do YOU think you should breastfeed? ( justifiably defensive at my rudeness)

Me: Well I hope I stop before her teeth rot out! (paddling off to the deep end with brain reeling)

Now I think of this exchange often.  First of all, I’m still embarrassed at my rudeness.   (K and L, please don’t stop reading, I love your mom!)  Sometimes I think I should carry around a shoehorn for how often I put my foot in my mouth.  Yes, it was a bit extreme but  was it really that bad to have extended breastfeeding?

I’m ashamed to admit that I nursed Selah to 9 months and then weaned out of laziness.  Not saying that  9 months is ‘too short’.  I just know in my heart that it was for me that I weaned her.  Even at 9 months I would often have unexpected leakage issues.  I was working part time and forced to pump in the car.  It was embarrassing.  One night a single guy at church pointed at my shirt and said “Um,  you’re ahhh, ummm..”.  When I looked down and saw the left side of my shirt drenched I knew then and there that I was done with it.  Selah was an independent baby and didn’t seem to care.  She’s not scared, although I wonder if the finger sucking issue is connected.  I’m not getting down on myself.  I just know that now I would do it differently.  I have to be honest and say that my judgement on Supermom caused me to overreact and fear being seen as an ‘over exuberant’ nurser. I didn’t understand it. 

  With Jacob we went to 15 months, mainly because of his huge list of food allergies.  It was quite convenient to always have something for him, ummm… ‘on hand’, so to speak.   So when, at 8 months, I found out Lucas was on the way I kept it up as long as I could.  At six months into my pregnancy the cramps I was having during breastfeeding started to worry my OB (having had both Selah and Jake on the early side, with preterm issues).  So we weaned and he never looked back.  Ironic is the hindsight.  Maybe if I had kept up the breastfeeding I wouldn’t have been pregnant for 42 weeks that time! Who knew…

So here I am.  Lucas.  Last month we got down to nursing once every couple of days.  I got irritated with the inconsistency, and the fact that my nips were starting to be tender.  I decided he was done.  And he didn’t protest much either.  I was a bit shocked that we went all the way to 18 months without even thinking about it being any different.  I thought about Supermom.   I could see it.  Just keep going and don’t worry about it.  Somehow doesn’t seem like a big deal now. 

Well, that was last month.  We went about 4 weeks without nursing and suddenly I’m faced with the fact that my child actually has become UNweaned.  Last week he got a cold and out of the blue he was begging to nurse.  No big deal.  It was probably soothing.  I know my body will still make milk for months.  So, nurse we did.  And it really isn’t a big deal. 

He’s back to nursing just in the morning when he wakes up.  I never offer to, but he’s asking every morning.  To be honest, I just don’t see the point in denying it.  I look at Selah who is in kindergarten, and Jacob at three.  Nope, I love me some Supermom but I still don’t think I can do that.  On the other hand, what’s the big deal? 

I think the only issue I would have is if breastfeeding is for your identity.  Trying to prove something.  Or some neediness on the part of Mom.  I don’t think that was why Supermom did it.  I think it just kinda worked for her and wasn’t a big deal. 

On the other hand, I have seen a mom make it a big deal.  Following her 4 year old around at the park offering to nurse at every turn ‘just in case she wanted it’.  I mean, if the child still feels a need for it, let them ask.  If mom feels a need for it….where does that put you?  Do you need that to be important? Is it your soapbox, your identity?   That kinda doesn’t sit so well with me…

As it stands, my unexpectedly un-weaned 19 month old is welcome to keep nursing for now.  With homeschooling, working from home and general mom and wife duties, he may just see it as his best opportunity for some peace with mom. Why would I deny that?  And I have to say, it’s the only time I get a glimpse of him as a baby anymore, rather than the toddler in constant motion.  So nurse we will. Till….whenever….

I think Supermom would be proud.